He is my lost boy...but he wasn't always.
It was 30 years ago today that I first held my wonderful, placid, scheduled baby boy.
His hair was so blonde it was almost white. I had the flu when I was delivering him and he seemed to take notice and was very kind to me.
Nursing every 4 hours and sleeping beautifully in between. He was a thumbsucker and I didn't mind...he seemed so content.
He would grow up loving the farm life for the short years we lived there. Planting with Hans and going to the heifer barn to collect eggs with his rubber boots and red baseball cap on always! Then he would line up all his scale model tractors in a precise line and then lay there beside them, sucking his thumb and admiring them.
I don't know when exactly or really why, but his contentment started to leave him as he grew, but his loving heart never changed...except for the scars.
He would love lavishly and then someone would crush him and walk away.
He continued to try and self soothe but not with his thumb.
He would learn to pick up the pieces of his heart and stuff them back into his chest, and although each hurt left his heart altered, his love for his family would not be vanquished. Pressing on he would look for new ways to get by in this world of intolerant, judgemental and cruel people. He would try to conform but he could not, he would do it his way but they wouldn't let him.
Then he would give his tattered heart to someone new hoping this was the one to help him mend it...amazingly trusting yet again. Only to be destroyed again.
He is a survivor and even though he may not know it a believer.
Even though he is alway on the run from what? Even he is not sure...
He continues to show his undying love for his family...for those of us who have been here all along...often not doing the right things because we don't know what they are...but isn't loving someone unconditionally the only right thing? And if so...why can't it be enough?
He is a strong man, a 30 year old man who is loved immensely, by so many and so worth celebrating.
And celebrate him I will...my sweet, tender-hearted, strong, brave lost boy...whom I have loved with every fibre of my being for 30 years.
Happy Birthday my Sweet Boy...Please know you are loved and NEVER lost to me.
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